Commissions are now OPEN for 2020
These will be done on a slot-by-slot basis because I get dogpiled by like 10 people all at once lmao
UNLESS I HAVE SOMETHING POSTED SAYING THAT I AM NOT OPEN FOR COMMISSIONS FOR THE 2020 BUSINESS YEAR, I AM VERY MUCH STILL OPEN FOR BUSINESS THANK YOU <3
HOW 2 BECUM PUPULUR
(FOOL-PROOF METHOD!!!)
Do you struggle every day to make yourself known on this poorly managed faux art site?
Do you want to become a role model? An icon? A monolith standing above all of these other sub-par artist types?
Do you wish to capitalize upon your basest of talents?
Do you desire to boost your pageviews?
Do you have the drive to succeed no matter the cost?
Well, boy howdy, I sure can help you with that!
People say that building a positive and strong self image depends upon how much time you put into evolving and making yourself a better person by doing good by others, taking the time to build good rapport with your friends and colleagues by lifting everybody else up with you.
Well, that may be true, but if you want to fast-track your way to success, you can't waste time bothering with all of that self-actualized transcendence rigamarole!
You want to get popular NOW dammit!
These are the three simple steps you have to follow in order to become the best at one thing and one thing only—Being Popular!
Step 1: Quantity Trumps Quality
This is the most important step you have to take toward your road to fame.
Forget all of that intent to become a better artist by putting in the time and research that it takes to become really good at something. Give that up right now. In fact, the less time that you bother working on stupid stuff like muscle memory, color theory, perspective, foreshortening, and (god forbid) anatomy, the more time you have to bombard everybody's page with all of your minimum-effort scribbles!
Is it not finished? Great! Post it.
Did you draw it at 3am when you were stoned and everything looks broken? Awesome! Post it.
Didn't even try? PERFECT! Post it.
Just BOMBARD the living shit out of all of your watchers on this website with as much unfinished junk as possible.
The uglier and more ridiculous your stuff is, the more people will notice you!
Abuse your submit button. Make that button your bitch.
Shove as much content down people's throats in as little time as possible—it's like making fine foie gras, you gotta force-feed them your stuff so they become docile and complacent. You'll see results after about a week or two of constant posting. If not, try to draw gift sketches for other, more popular artists and get your stuff featured by them. Keep posting every single day no matter what!
Remember: NEVER EVER FINISH 99% OF WHAT YOU POST.
If you simply must finish something, then do it with the least amount of effort possible, take every single shortcut you can, and move on.
Step 2: Popularity Begets Popularity
In order to be popular, one must assimilate with the popular.
Get cozy with the most easy to manipulate popular artists on the site, become 'friends' with as many of them as possible to maximize your gains. Make sure to coerce them into drawing all of your dime-a-dozen character archetypes and self-indulgent Mary Sues/Gary Stus and feature their stuff sometimes, too. Just not as much as you feature your own ideas or else you'll be working against your own tide.
It also helps to make friends with a bunch of known drama-llamas and posers. You'll also need a good scapegoat if things ever go sour so make it clear to them that you're only their friend out of the goodness of your heart because they needed the support. Whenever you give support, make sure they know that you expect as much and more in return down the road, otherwise they're just dead weight. Make sure they know this at least implicitly! It'll make them cling to you harder and give you more control.
Make sure that those other big popular kids feature the hell out of you with livestreams, videogames, journals, art, and forum praise so you can gain karma at quadruple the rate of all of those other art peasants out there.
It's like a free exp booster that you can exploit forever!
Step 3: Be an Asshole
The biggest secret to gaining watchers and attention is to be the biggest jerk to EVERYONE that you can possibly be. Everybody loves drama. The more you make, the more people will be interested in you.
Long time friend having a hard time? TOO BAD. Tell them to go talk to someone who cares, you don't need to hear about their problems.
Someone drawing you gift art and you don't like their style because they're a 13 year old kid who just started drawing? STOP IT. You only deserve the BEST art from ACCOMPLISHED artists.
Commissioner upset with you because you promised to deliver but didn't? GET LOST. Tell them to go commission someone else, you're not here to pander to their tastes.
Make sure that everyone sees your exchanges so they know who's the boss. Who da' boss? YOU DA' BOSS.
Positive publicity is good.
Negative publicity is incredible.
Turns out, the more people who hate you, the more that your page views will artificially inflate because they'll be circling your page like vultures trying to bully you into ending your reign of terror but little do they know, they're aiding your cause.
Someone make a callout post on you totally nailing every little jerk thing on the head and it's kinda hurting your feelings because it's true?
DEFLECT IT. Make a journal post and talk about how stupid the callout post is and that they're just trying to get attention.
DRAW VENT ART. Let everyone see your glass case of emotion and be bound by it (bonus points if you make off-handed remarks in the artist comments and self-deprecate when anybody tries to comfort you).
POST ANOTHER JOURNAL. Make sure to feature their callout post and let it be clear to your watchers that you'd never do such a thing and that they're all jealous liars.
MAKE A CALLOUT POST ON THEM. You've conditioned your throwing arm this whole time with all of the other exercises, so make it really hurt with your own post talking about every stupid comment they've ever made dating back to when they were a middle schooler. Show them who's really in control. (If you can also convince your friends to make subsequent callout posts, the impact will be amplified!)
The more you deflect and defame other people, the stronger you become.
The more they get mad and the more people you have to come to your aid, the stronger you become.
The more people who come to your page to tell you to stfu and gtfo, the stronger you become.
You really can't lose when it comes to good or bad publicity, so milk that cow for everything it's worth.
After this point, who cares if people can't deal with who you are?
You're popular now.
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This is satire. Don’t take this seriously lulz. It's a joke.
Commission Pricing Here: <da:thumb id="704009678"/>
OKAY FINE I'LL DO A MEME
This one is from
's tag
Boy howdy that'd probably be this dingaling dorkbomb.
Created clear back in the Dark Ages (read: 2006) shortly after I had a very odd vivid dream about Zim appearing in my school, I became extremely obsessed with the show from then on and started hoarding Jhonen's comic books for myself so I could study them and make all sorts of cringe-worthy OC's of my own. This was also the time when literally every single 6th grader was in their hormone-addled weeb stage and remembering anything from that time gives me extreme indigestion.
I actually have THE very first doodle I did of Cau in my art drawer and holy bejeezus I sure have come a long way.
Cau has, too. She started out as a token Invader who was supposed to ruin Zim's life after the almighty Dudebros sent her to Earth as a top kek prank. Then came the dramatic rewrite where about 80% of her backstory still sticks today. She then became a gene-spliced hybrid thing whose only augmented features were highly superficial at the surface to fit a specific purpose: to eat garbage and convert it back into energy. Literally the only different thing she's got going for her is a never-ending supply of new teeth to replace old ones, a long and stretchy tongue, ridiculously increased bite power, and stomach acid strong enough to dissolve literally anything in the universe. I also had intended for her to use that as an improv weapon. She can just vomit onto people and they'd die a horrible, horrible death.
I just use her as a stand-in representation of myself but I don't consider her my persona. She's essentially a stand-alone character that happens to share a name with my alias.
I'm partially too lazy to make a persona and also unwilling to make one should anybody get the brilliant idea to ship my persona with something other than a tall stack of pancakes.
Everyone has that one character that they love to use, abuse, and construct
That would be Kiki.
... which, by extension, also includes Ick.
Lord knows how much I love to put Kiki in awful situations and then also make her antagonist essentially untouchable despite the horrible things he loves to do to her and the people around her. I've always been interested in making things difficult for my characters but, and I must admit, the things that I allow and script to have happen to Kiki via Ick is a bit harsh. But it's all for the story.
I also have a lot of fun character building around Kiki just as a character because she evolves negatively over time. She starts out as the picture of Invader-ness, is a kick-ass mechanic and inventor of superfluous explosives, even successfully takes over a planet, but then the worst emotion to feel ever is introduced and she slowly falls apart into something that I can only describe as a cold, bitter loser of a war that she never had any chance to win. Guilt is a killer, folks. It opens the psyche up to all of those other feelings that ruin a lot of other things like self-loathing, self-doubt, and emptiness.
Which Ick loves to exploit in all of the most awful ways possible.
Rip Kiki lol
DORK!!!
I love him so much.
I seriously have never experienced the same amount of calming that drawing this big, chunky, warm pile of pure muscle.
No matter what I draw him doing or have him interacting with, I always gush afterword because Dork is shaped like a friend and is probably one of the best friends in the Universe.
I never would have thought that I would have so much fun drawing a totally non-canon-in-every-way cowboy dude with big, poofy, ass-less chaps and a habit of pursuing the Legend of Cannabis and take up a life of being a THC knight in a pink ascot, but here we are. The epitome of my art career. A character that exists almost solely for me to shitpost with.
Amos is one of the weirdest, but most satisfying characters I have.
I have sooooooo many stupid doodles of him.
Oh, my old boy, Zero.
He was first thought up back in 2008 when I was on the bus to school while I was listening to Burn It Down by Vokab Kompany vs Crush Effect ([link]) at full blast to drown out the other hormonal teenagers packed shoulder-to-shoulder as they talked about that stupid youtube video with the cup. The shit I remember, huh?
I put Zero through all sorts of shit and I'm sad to say that I honestly forgot about him for the last couple of years despite the fact that I have so many submissions that feature him in one way or another. He really was a poster boy for the kind of garbage I loved to spout out at that time in my life. Especially the several times where I drew comics/wrote literature for him in Blood Sport. I still remember Round 4 as being the time when I became a legit asocial hermit crab who only drank tea for sustenance and drew for 18 hours a day for FOUR MONTHS. I talked to nobody, I went nowhere, I ended up accidentally starving 30 pounds off of my body because all I would ingest was iced tea and sparrow-portions of dinner food (my chickens ate more food individually every day than I did) while I furiously inked 40 pages of nonstop suffering.
All of that work and I forget you, buddy. Forgive me OTL
I'm assuming that this is the character that is either the flashiest or who went through the most specific changes in character/uniform/occupation.
Damien is another one of my weird characters that was the result of pure impulse at around 10pm at night while chugging iced tea and watching videos of national poledancing championships.
I got this brilliant idea, "Wow, maybe I should make a space stripper. A stripper in space. Wouldn't that be absolute genius? I am so smart and original. Oh, shit, I accidentally knocked over my 34275086 glasses of water onto my desk and now I have to grab some towels to soak up the spill before I flood the house whoops--" and then POW, RIGHT IN THE KISSER here he is.
He's a ridiculously tall, 50% LE G, floppy pool-noodle horned, minty green skinned, french-speaking chick magnet who can probably crush a watermelon between thighs like sparrow's egg. But at least he's friendly. And ohso attractive.
I should probably draw him more and dick around with some nice leather outfits in the future when I'm bored.
A little appreciation for those characters who you just love to use as a plot device to force your other characters evolve in one way or another, be it for better or for worse.
These guys are all pretty terrible people and I love them all for it.
Antimony is probably queen supreme of being an unfair ragebasket, Grimble is that angry mother who will give you that disapproving glare that makes you want to spontaneously combust on the spot, Wort is an ugly backstabbing douchecanoe who wants to hoard the spotlight for himself, Ick is an abomination and a blight upon the universe that must be stopped at all costs, Nahilus is full of backwards logic that hurts people, and Nexus just loves drownin' people in that big luxury bathtub of his.
They're super useful when I'm trying to figure out what to do with my other less-developed characters because nothing spells character evolution like bona fide jerkbags who are just generally mean and nasty because they're just mean and nasty. That is to say, letting your other children interact with these abominations is the same thing as giving them a present and then revealing that the contents is none other than the mutilated remains of their long-lost puppy.
Life is tough, kid. At least we found your dog.
But it won't stop the pain and agony from hitting like a freight train.
STOP CRYING, TIMMY.
Dr. Shmolgrom isn't an adopt but he's yet another one of my characters who was a complete and total accident when it comes down to his existence.
I was doodling nothing because I was artblocked real bad (the original doodles are the black and white ones, the colored version came afterword) and I was playing with shapes. I had this super vague idea of a mad doctor that was a little uncanny and a bit fascist in outlook and mannerism but then that didn't work out. Here I was drawing in hopes that I was going to make this awesome crazy doctor dude but then something went horribly wrong and then sentimentality took over along with my love of unfortunate happenings and here we have Grom.
To this day, I'm still not 100% satisfied with his final look but my friend Jabs loves him to death.
So Grompa is here to stay.
But then we have Digby (also affectionately known as Dig Dug), Gidjit, and Wes, whom I love very much because they've been the focal point of god knows how many shitpost doodles both from me and from friends. They're the weirdest little gaggle of friends but that's what makes them so delightful to draw over and over again.
Yeah, yeah, I made one based off of my birthstone, Bloodstone.
It gave me no shortage of headaches to design but in the end it looks pretty sweg, I guess.
Nexus is technically my newest garbage child so lemme just... finish this meme.
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Also excited about the new Movie coming out sometime in the next year or two.
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I also modified the meme a little because I had nothing to use for two of these lol
Peeps can use either my modifications or the originals for if/when they want to fill it out
I'm not tagging anybody in particular. If you want to do it, do it, broski.
I'm going to go back to doing regularly scheduled Cau stuff now okay thanks friends bai